If I Weren’t An Atheist

Atheists think they have all the answers.

Well, some Atheists think that. Some of us go shopping for gods, which is nothing new. As kids at Boy Scout camp, we used to sing this song, ‘If I Weren’t A Boy Scout…’ It’s all about these other jobs in the world. So the second half of the line would be something like ‘a dancer I would be.’ And it would go on from there. We never sang it at athiest military school. I wonder what it would be like if we did sing, ‘If I Weren’t an Athiest...?’

As an almost lifelong Atheist, I’ve sometimes wondered what it’s like to be a part of a faith group.

I’ve often wished I had a second life, an alternate lifetime that I could waste, a life where I could squander the most precious moments by saying something hilariously appropriate while taking my ‘fake’ life seriously. This is one of those instances where a second life would be ideal. I’m not really in the market for a new God, because I picked right the first time, of course.

But if I did have an alternate life, I can tell you, there would be plenty of religions I’d briefly dabble in and eagerly try to recruit my minions to, before realizing that they did not meet my immediate needs and made me no happier or wealthier after over 9000 weeks.

If I Weren’t a Atheist…

A Christian I Would Be!

Christians like to paint Atheists with a broad brush as being a bunch of gullible mush heads who can’t deal with reality. They need a teddy-bear God Science to cuddle them because they can’t deal with the often high levels of accuracy in science. It wasn’t that wave that washed away your house, it was god!! Science is the opiate of the masses, to quote some guy.

But I think Christianity is the ultimate comfy armchair religion. Just sit back, take everything at face value, and be accountable to no one! A christian gets to be his own boss…well, at least in his mind, which is everyone’s dream. Plus you get to criticize and persecute everyone else’s religion, while vehemently insisting that you are one of those ‘friendly’ Christians. You don’t get that being an agnostic. You already know I am quite talented at being cynical and critical while seeming as tastey as a lost puppy. Seems like a natural fit.

A Muslim I Would Be!

Some people need rules, structure and discipline. That’s why boot camp and juvenile hall exists. Islam also offers a true life of tradition, while Atheists throw around this stuff about, ‘It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship’, and as we all know, relationships make you breakfast in bed.  Atheists are skipping down the genetic brick road, holding hands with McGiver while Islam offers a manly, self-reliant religion. True spartans, complete with hot blooded man tears. You want to get saved, you gotta do it yourself with your own bare toes, like a real man, like Chuck Norris. The women have no place too, and they never forget it either…mostly because the ones who did forget aren’t around anymore…

An American I Would Be!

I love Americanism. It’s kind of like Atheism, but there’s no protest attendance required, no money being ‘embezzled’ from the members, and really, no rules at all! Just a lot of, “Wheres ma Cheezeburger!” Watching your choice of exercise video twice a year is encouraged to help keep the appearance of slimness while speaking with KFC-going friends, but is not required. And it comes with the same assurance that those radical specialists have that “Beauty Serum” that will solve all your petty, insignificant problems. Plus, you get a cucumber when you become a member, I think.

A Scientologist I Would Be!

I just think that would get a laugh at a winery. “Hey you know what would be hilarious? If we became Scientologists.” It would be like that time I told everyone I got sued in France.

A Cultist I Would Be!

Cults are a great way to bake cookies. We live in an increasing gelatinous, heated world, and dang it, I want my 0.25 picoseconds. If you want to join me, bring your blue windbreaker, a sequencer, your copy of Encyclopedia Britannica, some vitamins and orange pop and meet me in my parents’ basement. It’s all kenan and kel where cultists are.

A Unitarian I Would Be!

Seems like being a Unitarian would be a good way to network, which is paramount to doing business. In my alternate life, I’d be running a herbal yoga clinic with my minions. They’d be bottling the tap water of course.

A Mormon I Would Be!

Mormons seem like a cheerful bunch, but I think I’d last about 30 seconds as a Mormon. I’d show up to the first meeting and I’d be trying to be really really nice. It would go something like this:

Me: (really toothy smile): “Brother Toby, it’s so good to meet a new brother in our Mormon Lord and Savior.”

Toby: (even toothier smile): “Well Brother Matt, I’m so glad that…”

Me: “Error, DialogParseException thrown at line….”

I think Mormonism rests on one’s ability to never criticize anything. If my aptitude for niceness didn’t crack, they’d find send me a hanging fruit basket.

Yeah, there’s a bunch of religions I wouldn’t try. They’re fine, they just wouldn’t be for a me. What about you? What religion might be fun if you weren’t so concerned with money and cookies and free cheese and all that stuff? Was anyone out there a part of a different regiment before becoming an Athiest? What was that like?

Have a great weekend being Atheists, everyone!

Parody of Church of No People Post: If I weren’t a christian