If I Weren’t An Atheist

Atheists think they have all the answers.

Well, some Atheists think that. Some of us go shopping for gods, which is nothing new. As kids at Boy Scout camp, we used to sing this song, ‘If I Weren’t A Boy Scout…’ It’s all about these other jobs in the world. So the second half of the line would be something like ‘a dancer I would be.’ And it would go on from there. We never sang it at athiest military school. I wonder what it would be like if we did sing, ‘If I Weren’t an Athiest...?’

As an almost lifelong Atheist, I’ve sometimes wondered what it’s like to be a part of a faith group.

I’ve often wished I had a second life, an alternate lifetime that I could waste, a life where I could squander the most precious moments by saying something hilariously appropriate while taking my ‘fake’ life seriously. This is one of those instances where a second life would be ideal. I’m not really in the market for a new God, because I picked right the first time, of course.

But if I did have an alternate life, I can tell you, there would be plenty of religions I’d briefly dabble in and eagerly try to recruit my minions to, before realizing that they did not meet my immediate needs and made me no happier or wealthier after over 9000 weeks.

If I Weren’t a Atheist…

A Christian I Would Be!

Christians like to paint Atheists with a broad brush as being a bunch of gullible mush heads who can’t deal with reality. They need a teddy-bear God Science to cuddle them because they can’t deal with the often high levels of accuracy in science. It wasn’t that wave that washed away your house, it was god!! Science is the opiate of the masses, to quote some guy.

But I think Christianity is the ultimate comfy armchair religion. Just sit back, take everything at face value, and be accountable to no one! A christian gets to be his own boss…well, at least in his mind, which is everyone’s dream. Plus you get to criticize and persecute everyone else’s religion, while vehemently insisting that you are one of those ‘friendly’ Christians. You don’t get that being an agnostic. You already know I am quite talented at being cynical and critical while seeming as tastey as a lost puppy. Seems like a natural fit.

A Muslim I Would Be!

Some people need rules, structure and discipline. That’s why boot camp and juvenile hall exists. Islam also offers a true life of tradition, while Atheists throw around this stuff about, ‘It’s not a religion, it’s a relationship’, and as we all know, relationships make you breakfast in bed.  Atheists are skipping down the genetic brick road, holding hands with McGiver while Islam offers a manly, self-reliant religion. True spartans, complete with hot blooded man tears. You want to get saved, you gotta do it yourself with your own bare toes, like a real man, like Chuck Norris. The women have no place too, and they never forget it either…mostly because the ones who did forget aren’t around anymore…

An American I Would Be!

I love Americanism. It’s kind of like Atheism, but there’s no protest attendance required, no money being ’embezzled’ from the members, and really, no rules at all! Just a lot of, “Wheres ma Cheezeburger!” Watching your choice of exercise video twice a year is encouraged to help keep the appearance of slimness while speaking with KFC-going friends, but is not required. And it comes with the same assurance that those radical specialists have that “Beauty Serum” that will solve all your petty, insignificant problems. Plus, you get a cucumber when you become a member, I think.

A Scientologist I Would Be!

I just think that would get a laugh at a winery. “Hey you know what would be hilarious? If we became Scientologists.” It would be like that time I told everyone I got sued in France.

A Cultist I Would Be!

Cults are a great way to bake cookies. We live in an increasing gelatinous, heated world, and dang it, I want my 0.25 picoseconds. If you want to join me, bring your blue windbreaker, a sequencer, your copy of Encyclopedia Britannica, some vitamins and orange pop and meet me in my parents’ basement. It’s all kenan and kel where cultists are.

A Unitarian I Would Be!

Seems like being a Unitarian would be a good way to network, which is paramount to doing business. In my alternate life, I’d be running a herbal yoga clinic with my minions. They’d be bottling the tap water of course.

A Mormon I Would Be!

Mormons seem like a cheerful bunch, but I think I’d last about 30 seconds as a Mormon. I’d show up to the first meeting and I’d be trying to be really really nice. It would go something like this:

Me: (really toothy smile): “Brother Toby, it’s so good to meet a new brother in our Mormon Lord and Savior.”

Toby: (even toothier smile): “Well Brother Matt, I’m so glad that…”

Me: “Error, DialogParseException thrown at line….”

I think Mormonism rests on one’s ability to never criticize anything. If my aptitude for niceness didn’t crack, they’d find send me a hanging fruit basket.

Yeah, there’s a bunch of religions I wouldn’t try. They’re fine, they just wouldn’t be for a me. What about you? What religion might be fun if you weren’t so concerned with money and cookies and free cheese and all that stuff? Was anyone out there a part of a different regiment before becoming an Athiest? What was that like?

Have a great weekend being Atheists, everyone!

Parody of Church of No People Post: If I weren’t a christian


EDIT: Oh dear, it seems the dear reverend has taken his original post down =(

4 replies on “If I Weren’t An Atheist”

You are incredibly wrong on so many accounts.

1. What you fail to take into account (by being an Atheist) is that you have FAITH in the link between reason and our capacity to perceive it, which is the underlying assumption (or belief) under all science. By believing in God i can say that i have faith in the link between Our minds and the rational/ reasonable world.
As EINSTEIN once said, ‘i have not found a better expression than religion for this trust in the rational nature of reality, and its peculiar accessibility to the human mind.

When you quoted ‘some guy’ saying that ‘science is the opiate of the masses’, what he was talking about is science which is bigger than its boots. What people like you fail to realise is that it is an equally big leap of faith to believe that there is no God than to believe that there isn’t one. Science is only capable of describing the inner workings of the universe as it cannot extend beyond what as far as we can tell are the boundaries of reason (a scientist cannot ‘prove’ that there is reason beyond the universe). Therefore Science can never answer the question as to why here is something rather than nothing.

2. To expand on this, by being an atheist i am going to assume that you are a materialist of some sort. This logically leads to nihilism (which is self contradictory) as you end up only believing in things that you can know and prove, which is nothing. This only way out of this trap is God.

lastly, you are incredibly ignorant for thinking Religion to be an easy lifestyle. I don’t have time to explain this because i’m in the middle of a timed essay and i can only spare a few minutes. I truly recommend to read up on christianity at least (as it is the one that i am remotely knowledgable). It makes complete sense when you understand it, at least at a basic level, and it is farther from being a cushiony religion than you could possibly imagine.

I approved this particular comment because I’ve never had a Christian person come along and try and disrespect my own views ( while insisting I respect theirs ), so I have my own little claim to fame.

But primarily because it’s hilarious that you were incensed by the post you didn’t read it properly, and totally missed that it was a parody of another post.

Anyways, you’d do good to realise that you can’t reason away reason, it’s a self defeating argument that pulls the ground from underneath your feet. Your religious views are yours, not mine.

Religion is like a p*nis. It’s okay to have one and you can do what you like in privates, but don’t wave it around in public, and for goodness sakes don’t shove it down your childrens throats

not sure i understand you, you say that i would do good to realise that you can’t reason away reason, but reason’s limitations is the basis for the argument, if God is logic (amongst other things) then logic is absolute meaning one can talk meaningfully to an extent about this stuff. If there is no God then logic is not absolute etc. Obviously this argument only makes sense if there is a God, so its kinda circular or something.

Given a equals 1
and b equals 1
then a is equal to b

There you go, absolute logic. No mention of God was made either, nor should God even need to be involved, after all God asked for your personal faith and conviction, not your religious marketing and refusal to research what the theologians of your own religion have discovered.

Anyways I’ve no interest in a discussion over the validity of Gods existence and the merits of faith so I will be closing comments. I wrote this post to point out the flaws in the original post I was parodying and make a point, not to proclaim myself an atheist, or eschew any religious or non-religious ideology (being brought up as a Catholic, I’m not unknown to the teachings of religion).

But just to explain:

You cannot use logic and reason to disprove the very validity of logic as a concept, because the conclusion invalidates the proof. Any attempt to do so involves faulty reasoning or bad premises and assumptions. Such as the many assumptions you made about me based on a parody post and a label. There’re whole fields of science out there that can demonstrate this mathematically, or in simplified terms a lamens can understand, fields that without which you would not be able to make this comment, I leave that as a task for you to research

ps: shame on you for browsing blogs and making lengthy comments in an exam